Harry Saves the Day and Hermione Gets the Guy
by werechick
Summary: ::Complete:: I was on a sugar high... and created several monsters the world will not soon forget.


**__**

Harry Saves the Day and Hermione Gets the Guy

Harry: *awkward silence* What the fuck is up with this title?

Hermione: *reads title* And _I_ get the guy?

Harry: Are they referring to Ron? That's what I want to know.

Hermione: Better yet, who the fuck are "they" and what have they done to Ron?

Ron: Yeah! What the fuck did they do to me?!?!

Harry: Er... Ron?

Hermione: *obviously annoyed* Giant spiders!

Ron: *pees pants* Where?

Hermione: Over there. *pushes Ron off cliff*

Harry: Damn you, Hermione! You always get the hot ones and you don't even appreciate them!

Hermione: *eyebrows pop off head and land in fruit salad* First of all, since when was little Ronaldo cute, even? And second of all, how come we didn't know you were gay before?

Ron: *from bottom of cliff* Yeah! Erm... I'm _not_ hot? *runs off to Molly*

Harry: First, I'm bi, damn it! Bi. What's so hard about that? Anyway, it was even written on my inner thigh in block print, and has been since first year. And I happen to find Ronnie beyond sexy. *pulls up Ron* Come to Daddy...

Hermione: Erm... okay...

Ron: *tries to get the hell away from a very horny Harry (unsuccessfully)*

Harry: *cackles* Where do you think you're going?

Trelawney: I see... _death_. Lots of death in his future!

Lavender: It's okay, just come to momma, Sibyll.

Hermione: *twitches uncontrollably* SQUICK!

Ron: Erm... duh! You're usually a tinsy bit faster than that! Where has your head been, Hermione?

Hermione: Two words: Harry's shorts

Harry: Meep!

Ron: *aims machine gun* Bye, bye, bye, HMS Pumpkin Pie...

Lavender: *slow motion* Noooooooooo! *jumps in front of the ship, then gets hit by...*

Trelawney: ...fruit salad? *sly tone* It's ruined your dress... guess that means you have to take it off...

Lavender: *nods head enthusiastically* Of course, Professor.

Ron: Kinky little bitches, ain't they?

Harry: *takes out camera* Of course. *snap, snap*

Hermione: Honestly boys! *picks up her own camera*

Ron, and Harry: *jaw drops*

Hermione: Can't I like girls too?

Harry, and Ron: *jaw still down*

Ron: Erm... it's not that...

Harry: Yeah! We just didn't think you were a... erm...

Ron: Pervert! We knew you were a lesbian. How could we _not_ know? I mean, you don't find Harry hotter than hell!

Hermione: And you do?

Harry: Of course he finds me dead sexy. *slicks back hair*

Ron: Erm... what about me?

Hermione: What about you?

Ron: Weren't we going to...

Hermione: ...shag like rabid plot bunnies?

Ron: Yeah. *blushes*

Harry: Figures. You straights are all alike.

Hermione: Fuck off, Harry.

Harry: Fine, I will. *does... something*

Trelawney: *releases Lavender and grabs camera* 

Harry: *gets totally turned off by Trelawney, and stops* Die bitch!

Trelawney: What a coincidence! Death is in _your _immediate future!

Ron: Jesus Christ! Not that crap again!

Lavender: It's okay, baby. *schnoogles Trelawney*

Hermione: I can't deal with this shit! *schnoogles Ron*

Trelawney: Ow! Lavender, you hit my inner eye!

Lavender: Want me to kiss it and make it better?

Ron: Cameras ready, guys?

Harry: *loads film* Yep!

Hermione: *sets up camera stand* Yeah, Baby!

Ron: Did she just call me baby?

Harry: Duh.

Ron: Cool. *slides on dark glasses*

Trelawney: Ah! My eye's okay now. *shrieks*

Lavender: What is it, baby?

Ron: Lavender, can you cut the baby crap? We all know it's just for the "extra credit."

Lavender: *sticks tongue out*

Trelawney: It... it's... Harry!

Harry: What about me? Am I the father of your 280th love child?

Ron and Hermione: *twitches*

Trelawney: All along...

Harry: Huh?

Trelawney: you've been a true seerer all along...

Harry: *grabs bullhorn* Step away from the happy pills!

Ron: No! Never! *downs jar*

*awkward silence*

Hermione: That was strange.

Harry: Yeah, really strange.

Trelawney: Ok, let's just start the obligatory forth of July orgy.

Hermione: But this is the UK, remember?

Harry: *cough* Shut up! She doesn't know that. *cough*

Hermione: *tries to look sly* Oh! I get it now.

Ron: May I start? *conjures up a 20-pack of condoms, lube, whips and various other things*

Harry: Yes you may, silly boy. *pats Ron on the head*

All: Sings "Joy to the World"

Colin: Hey guys! What's up? Can you sign my ass, Harry? Please? *pulls up donkey*

Harry: *looks relived, then slides out of his handcuffs and proceeds to schnoogle Colin*

Hermione: *takes cue and huggles Ron*

Lavender: *runs far, far away from a divination Professor in heat*

Colin: Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer meatball...


End file.
